The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
