Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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