Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
