Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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