There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
