respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize