he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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