just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize