Screwed.edu
he was CRYING into my vagina
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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