I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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