I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
