whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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