Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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