I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
