I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
