hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
