I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
