I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sorry about my life...
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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