This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
