whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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