do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
