Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
