I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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