the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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