I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
