The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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