Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
