i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
