I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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