so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize