Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
