I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
