I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
