I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
