sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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