I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
