considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
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