You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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