Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
