We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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