I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
