i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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