No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
