An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize
