We won't sleep together?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
