look no pants
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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