He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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