the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
