My friends, they love my intelligence
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
