Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize