I love black thongs
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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