i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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