I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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