the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
