just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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