i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
