Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize