the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
bring money and cleavage
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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