It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
