He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
