remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
