It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize