something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You are the jesus of drinking
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
