I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
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