my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just puked most of my soul out..
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
